Have you ever considered what your five biggest weaknesses are? Mine have been smacking me in the face recently and I figured it was time to face up to them. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want to. In fact, I didn’t even want to face up to the fact that these things existed in my life. I was happy to sweep them under the rug and pretend they didn’t exist. Except that never works. So in a bit of motivation for you and accountability for me, I thought it was high time I put them out there in the light where I could examine them from every angle.
Biggest Weakness #1 – I hate asking for help.
I don’t even like asking my husband for help! I always think of other people are too busy, I don’t want to bother them, they wouldn’t want to help me, I don’t want to put them on the spot – and on and on. The truth is allowing someone else to help me is a way to strengthen the relationships I have with other people. I get great joy out of helping someone. I feel pride when someone asks me for help. Why would I want to deny someone else that joy? Why would I think other people aren’t willing to help when it is something I enjoy doing so much?
The truth is, I shouldn’t. The truth is, I should be looking to collaborate with people on projects, to ask experts in their field questions, and to just plain ask for help when I am having a rough time. This is number one on my list for a reason and to combat it, I have to diligently squash that little voice in my head every time he pops up. I have to say, “No, I am going to give so and so the opportunity to help”.
So far this has been a struggle, but as I see more and better results, I am learning. My relationships are stronger. My marriage is stronger. I come away feeling like someone else has my back and it’s a great feeling.
Biggest Weakness #2 – I doubt my expertise and life experience. Sure my life might be great as a cautionary tale but as an expert?
It took me a long time to launch my site about farming and rural living because I didn’t believe I was qualified to talk about these things. Forget the fact I grew up on a farm. No need to mention I can give shots and draw blood from most any farm critter. Sure I had a hugely successful garden this year, but didn’t everybody?
Can’t everyone hop on a piece of equipment and operate it? Of course not!
If someone else had said that to me I would have looked at them like they had three heads. Half the people I know can’t operate a lawn mower let alone a backhoe. So why was I feeling so unqualified? The answer lies in both the size of my place (a little over 3 acres) and my knowledge of farming. A three-acre farm isn’t much and my small flock of chickens and herd of goats felt tiny in comparison to many of the farmers I know. And there was the rub. Comparison. That dirty little word that makes us all feel less then we are.
To get over this one, I asked for help. (Go me!) I asked people what they were curious about or what they would like to do with their small acreage. The response was pretty overwhelming and I wound up with a year’s worth of blog posts in a matter of minutes. Stop comparing and do what you do as good as you can do it.
Biggest Weakness # 3 – I put everyone and everything above myself. I quit my job so I could focus on farming and writing books, but the truth is I wrote more books and did more for my business when I was working full time. WTF. How could I not have a full-time job and be getting less done?
I had to take a hard look at where my time was going and set some serious boundaries. Many of my friends and family would say “Oh you work from home so you have time to do XYZ”. The truth is, I don’t. Running a business and writing books is serious work, and it takes serious time to get those things done.
I started using my vision statement more and more to evaluate the things I was doing. If it didn’t line up where I wanted to go, the answer was no.
Biggest Weakness # 4 – I loathe self-promotion.
Maybe it’s the introvert in me, maybe it’s that dang little voice in my head, but I truly loathe self-promotion. If you are going to own a business or even if you want to climb a career ladder, self-promotion is part of the game. How would I get customers if I didn’t promote my business? If I didn’t say, hey this is a best-selling item that adds value (or tastes delicious in the case of my sold out spicy pickles) how would people know the option was even available to them?
I had to realize self-promotion didn’t have to be icky. I didn’t have to run around yelling “pick me, pick me!” All I had to do was create excellent products and services and show people their benefits. Instead of walking up and down the aisle at the farmer’s market yelling “GET YOUR SPICY PICKLES HERE!! SPICY PICKLES!! GET EM” HERE!!” I could just point to the jar and tell people it was a top seller.
When someone asks about my book on buying your first horse, I don’t have to tell them my life story and qualifications. All I had to do was to point at the 5-star reviews and show them how my book has helped other people in their situation. This was an eye-opening process to me and I am slowly putting it into practice.
Biggest Weakness #5 – I am easily distracted which leads to disorganization. If you have read any of my posts on ADHD, this one might not come as a surprise to you, but it was something I thought I had a good handle on. I was wrong. When I started looking at the time I spent scrolling through my Facebook feed or playing games on the phone, I was embarrassed. All these distractions were wreaking havoc on all of the organizational processes I had in place. It’s hard to stay on track when you are watching random videos on YouTube.
This led me to really look at my processes and see what things I could do better and where I needed to give myself some leeway. Here are just a few of the things I did to protect me from myself.
I started leaving my phone in the bedroom where I couldn’t hear any of the buzzing or dinging.
I close my computer when I am not using it so I don’t hear the buzzes and dings.
I schedule play time
I brain dumped my to-do list, and then organized it into bite-sized chunks
I started using a timer
The truth is that working for yourself takes discipline. A discipline I am slowly developing. Doing just these few things is helping me stay more organized and less distracted. Next, I plan on tackling my processes to see what’s working and what’s not.
What are your five biggest weaknesses? Have you ever considered them or do you just sweep them under the rug? My challenge to you is to sit down and consider some of your weaknesses and then make a plan to overcome them.
About the author: Michele Cook is a mother of four, including two boys with ADHD and has ADHD herself. Like most people with ADHD, she has many projects going at once. She is a published author, a blogger, a communications specialist and owns a small farm in the mountains of Virginia. Her motto is “ADHD is my superpower” You can visit her site at Michele’s Finding Happiness
Once again I’m getting out this month’s article just days before the month is over. I’m trying to let go of when I think it SHOULD come out and calling this my new normal. My coaching group just laughs and says that could be expected for a blog about ADHD. I hope you can find the humor as well.
I remember my support group laughing when a member from Japan told us that the title “Women with Messy Houses” was the Japanese translation for Sari Solden’s book, Women with ADHD. (Link works) It really WASN’T very funny though, since most of us had struggled mightily to keep our houses organized, our chores done and some semblance of order in our lives.
My own life has improved quite a bit since those early days learning about ADHD. Over time I learned that developing systems is the key to organization, housekeeping and good time management. In this comprehensive article, I have put together a few of my favorite resources to help you find the right tools to adapt to your life. Pick and choose your own strategies from
Take it slow and gradually build up to workable systems for you. Adapt them as needed. You’ll be surprised at how big an impact that even small changes can make. Try just one idea for a week and see for yourself.
It’s almost springtime. The earth and sun will warm soon and we’ll see a renewal of growth that can inspire our own growth.
We’re finally thawing out here in the Northwest. It’s amazing, the snow has barely melted, but we already have Snowdrops, my earliest spring bulbs popping up all over. With more light in the day, I can feel my mood lifting and am finally feeling more productive. Once again, my February newsletter is going out the final day of the month. (I thought I was a little bit ahead, but it turns out that February is a short month. Who remembers things like that?)
If you’re struggling too and could use a few new strategies, our latest article, “How to Make ADHD Work for you – Pills don’t teach skills:Manage Your ADHD with Behavior Strategies” offers a number of great ideas from basic health needs (like Eating, Moving and Sleeping) to a number of helpful ADHD hacks.
My thanks to our generous guest author, a new blogger, Tia of Little Miss Lionheart.
Tia found out she had ADHD in addition to anxiety at the ripe old age of 28 and went on a quest to figure out what that meant for her. What she discovered was life-changing and her blog was born. Little Miss Lionheart’s goal is to serve as every woman’s guide to ADHD and help you turn the challenges of ADHD into an advantage.
I love the comment one reader left.
“Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, many pointers, and understanding of ADHD! – It’s comforting to know I’m not alone and can gather support and acceptance with knowing I/we’re special and unique and able to embrace the way we are made and use it for our good, and too for those around us!” Wendi
Meanwhile, I talk to myself to help overcome my fear of writing, perfectionism, and procrastination. I used a few personalized mantras to keep me going this month “Simplify, Simplify, Simplify,” “Put a Box Around it” ( Also known as Increase structure and Limit the Variables,) “Go for Enough, Don’t worry about Perfect, ” “Just Touch it” and “One step at a time”.
Your job is to discover whatever works best for you, your child, or other loved ones. It’s not easy to learn to live well with ADHD, but it’s worth it. Do the Work! You won’t be sorry.
Enjoy any sunshine and warmth that your weather brings this March. It would be great to be able to put the snowshoes and shovel away for another year.
This post contains links to other articles on Tia’s website as well as her Affiliate Links.
Whether you’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, think that’s what’s going on for you, or you have another issue with similar challenges, the symptoms can be overwhelming and medication, though helpful, isn’t a cure. For me, there’s been a gap between the effect of the meds and what I need in order to be functional.
I still struggle with getting big projects done–procrastinate starting them, can’t get myself to finish the annoying little details once most of the project is completed. I still forget things–like accidentally leaving my husband’s lunch out on the counter overnight instead of in the fridge where it belongs. Yeah, that happened last night.
When it comes to managing your symptoms, behavioral strategies become really important, or so I’ve learned for myself. I’ve discovered some practical tips to help bridge the gap.
Practical Health Strategies for ADHD
Exercise is Your Trump Card
Exercise is good for many things; it’s only to be expected that it’s one of the most helpful things you can do to naturally or behaviorally work with your ADHD. Regular exercise can help you improve focus and memory, calm impulses and reduce hyperactivity. It also helps improve sleep. Daily exercise is the goal but for many people that may not be realistic. Set your sights on exercising more days than not. More vigorous exercise may be most helpful but moving your body more, in general, is really what we are going for.
Mind Your Diet
Whether you are on stimulants or not on stimulants, your diet is a really important factor in ADHD management. It’s been said that many ADHDers (myself included) tend to crave carbs and sugar but all the simple sugars really mess with your attention, focus, impulse control, and hyperactivity. That’s not to say you have to cut out carbs entirely, just that focusing your diet on protein and fiber and choosing complex carbs like brown rice over pasta and pastries is most helpful.
Eat regularly. Eat balanced. If you are on stimulants, it’s easy to forget to eat. Don’t fall into that trap. Set a timer if you have to but not eating regularly can decrease the effect of your medication and hurt your body in the process, making you feel weak and dizzy (guilty on that one, but I’ve learned my lesson).
Sleep. Like, good sleep.
Sleep is another one of those things that can help your medication be most effective or hurt it’s impact. If you aren’t on medication, it’s still going to have a significant impact on your ADHD symptoms. We’re fighting an uphill battle as most ADHDers have trouble sleeping according to research. Lucky for you, I wrote an entire post on how to get good sleep. All strategies tested by your’s truly 😉 You can find it here.
How to Use Your ADHD Mind to Your Advantage
The Big, Important Question to Get Things Done
Using this question for myself has been a HUGE help in motivating myself to get things done that I need to get done. Sitting still for long periods of time is hard for me, as you can imagine, and even though I love writing, I don’t always love the process of writing. That’s where I developed this strategy. Let’s say I have to sit down and write my notes (THE WORST! I hate doing notes with a passion but they are an absolutely necessary evil). I have never experienced wanting to do my notes because they are the worst and most of the time I dread them and put off doing them and experience anxiety even at the thought of sitting down to do them.
One day I started asking myself, “What do I need in order to want to do this?”
I couldn’t think of something that would excite me about them but I thought of a few things that you make me dread it less and tolerate it better. I have to ask myself this question every time I have to write notes. Sometimes it’s a trip to the coffee shop to do them in a different environment. Sometimes it’s on my couch with a cup of hot cocoa, a warm blanket, and a delicious smelling candle burning. I still didn’t want to do them, but I did want the coffee and the environment and that helped me tolerate the notes.
When my doctor told me I had to start exercising to help with my ADHD symptoms, I was kinda dreading that mostly because I find the gym boring and I don’t run. I asked myself this question and found that it doesn’t feel like exercising when I’m teaching myself gymnastics. Now it’s really easy to get myself to exercise and sometimes it’s actually hard to get myself to stop exercising because it’s something I actually enjoy. I found a way to want to exercise.
Using this question as a motivation strategy has been a game changer for me.
Meditate with self-compassion
Meditation is a funny topic when it comes to ADHD. It’s one of the most effective strategies for managing ADHD symptoms and yet it’s also harder for ADHDers to meditate than it is for other people. Why? Duh, our attention likes to wander! I have found a few strategies helpful. One, I tend to do better meditating when I’m listening to a guided meditation and especially when I’m listening to one that uses imagery. The combination of auditory and imaginary imagery is enough to help me stay *mostly* on track. When my attention wanders, I just gently bring it back knowing that’s just par for the course and I keep going.
Self-compassion specific meditation is a really effective form of mindfulness that teaches us to have a better relationship with ourselves and helps us lessen overwhelming and painful emotions and change our self-talk. Those of us with ADHD are often pretty hard on ourselves when it comes to our challenges and the painful experiences we’ve had as a result. Constantly beating yourself up or shaming yourself for the challenges you face (whether ADHD or not) only make your symptoms worse and creates new problems, too. Mindful Self-Compassion has been a huge help to me personally in helping me accept myself as I am–challenges and all–improving my confidence and restoring my sense of worth, while also lowering anxiety. (Check out Tia’s website for some beginning exercises and if you like that, check out The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive by Kristen Neff to go deeper into the practice. (Link works) Tia owns this workbook and uses it regularly.)
Recognize Your Strengths
We tend to get bogged down with the challenges we experience and overemphasize the “deficit” part of ADHD. While we definitely experience challenges with the difficulty regulating our attention that sometimes causes friction and disrupts life a bit, it’s important that we don’t get fooled into thinking that these problems are all there is that matters about us and all there is to the ADHD “curse.”
The truth is that while there are some major challenges to having ADHD, there are also some strengths that we have because we aren’t neurotypical. ADHDers tend to be more creative and innovative, many of us make great entrepreneurs, we’re very empathic, tend to be passionate about justice and other things that really matter, and have the ability to learn to live fully in the moment to an extent that is harder for other people.
If you’ve experienced a lot of pain or shame as a result of having ADHD, it’s easy to look at the good things and think that they don’t matter in comparison to the bad. Just let both be true for you. The good doesn’t cancel out the bad and the bad doesn’t cancel the good–they are both true and they are both significant to you. That subtle shift can make a huge difference in the way you see yourself and your struggles.
The big lesson here is to not let yourself get stuck in the place of only allowing shame and deficit to be valid–whether related to ADHD or not. That’s giving it a bigger place than it should be allowed to have and keeps it in a place of power that holds you hostage. Let your strengths and your abilities be true, too.
Tips For The Biggest ADHD Challenges
How to Use the Hyperfocus to Your Advantage
Hyperfocus, in my experience anyway, is both the most amazing part of ADHD and the worst part of ADHD. At the same time (letting them both be true 😉). Hyperfocus lets me get awesome things accomplished no matter what barriers stand in my way. I’m determined, slightly obsessive (understated for dramatic effect 😂), and I love the feeling of being so into what I’m doing that nothing else exists. Until the time is 2 am and I have to be up in 4 hours. Until I’m trying to transition from what I’m doing to anything else (especially if I’m transitioning to something I really don’t want to be doing anyway). Unless I need to shift my focus and concentration to something else. Hyperfocus feels like a train barreling down a track fast and furious and trying to stop it feels like you’re trying to turn left in a car that just lost its power steering.
I’ve learned not to engage hyperfocus within a few hours of bedtime. It’s too hard to calm my thoughts down enough to go to sleep. I’ve learned not to engage hyperfocus just before I have to do something really important or requires a ton of concentration. It’s too hard to shift my thoughts and be fully present. I have learned to engage hyperfocus when I have ample time to indulge it and then it feels like self-care. I engage hyperfocus as a distraction if I’m anxious about something that I can’t control. I engage hyperfocus as a way to accomplish things that need to happen and further myself or my career. Using it to my benefit is what makes hyperfocus more of a blessing than a curse.
When used right, there is a major upside to hyperfocus.
Bounce, Fidget and Move to Manage the Restlessness
I feel too energized a lot. Exercise really helps with that but sometimes the restlessness hits in times that I’m supposed to be productive and exercise isn’t an option. As I’m writing this post, I’m sitting on my exercise ball (Link works), bouncing when I feel like it, taking a break to balance myself for a few seconds here and there because doing so helps me work with the hyperactivity to remain productive without so much discomfort.
When bouncing isn’t an option, I twist my wedding band around my finger or play with my hair or I use squishy toys to work out some energy because doing so helps me stay focused when I’m concentrating deeply. Using a standing desk to work allows me to balance on one foot or do calf raises or take a moment to do a cartwheel to work out excess energy. I’m much more productive and less likely to get distracted by all the other things I’d rather be doing when I give myself the space to do these things.
Use Accountability and Competition to Get Things Done
ADHDers are often competitive. The good news is, this can be used to your advantage to help you get things accomplished that you really don’t want to do. I mentioned that I hate note writing–one helpful strategy has been to have a race with a colleague to see who can get their notes done first. If you aren’t competitive or don’t like the feeling of being in competition, that same colleague can function more like an accountability partner who you know will be checking in with you to make sure you got it done.
This strategy is often used to help people stick with a new exercise regimen or make other difficult changes and it’s effective, which is why we still use it. Adapt it to fit what you need. Maybe have someone check in with you about that project you’ve been meaning to get to or whether you completed your to-do list today. Knowing that someone else will be aware of our progress, tends to make us more efficient and effective.
I don’t really lose my keys that much anymore since I started hanging them on a hook beside the door (which is also a helpful strategy, btw), but I lose my phone generally about once a day. Once, I lost my phone and didn’t find it for 8 months! It was buried in the couch, apparently. What I would have given to have a tile that day instead of having to spend money on a new phone. Ah well, lesson learned. If you have trouble finding important things, invest in your new best friend.
Write it Down Because You WILL Lose it
I keep a notebook just about where ever I go. When I forget my notebook, I have an app on my phone that lets me take notes. I tend to experience a lot of anxiety that I’m going to forget important things because I often forget things. I mean, today at lunch I was searching for a straw and in the middle of looking, I forgot what I was trying to find.
That kind of spacing out creates anxiety that you’ve forgotten something more important than a straw and it’s going to bite you in the butt in the near future. So I write everything down. I KNOW I’ll forget it so writing it down helps me keep track of all the important things that I have forgotten and calms the anxiety. It also helps me keep major things from falling through the cracks…most of the time. If you have trouble remembering to look at your notebook or to do list, create a daily reminder to go off a couple of times a day to look at your to-do list.
Planners and Bullet Journals for Organization
In addition to my to-do list, I keep a planner. I have appointments scheduled for most days and I definitely don’t want to forget them. Even with the planner, I sometimes still mess up my schedule but 95% of the time, the planner keeps me on track. I’ve begun experimenting with using the planner more strategically to help me be more effective with other tasks and get less distracted. I typically go for a weekly planner with a good amount of space to write for each day. Like this one.
Left to my own devices, I started writing this post and got lost in researching therapy and coach training for ADHD, then got caught up in a brain teaser game and a show on TV. I’ve started using the planner to separate when I focus on research, when I write posts, when I work on bigger projects (like ADHD coaching), etc..so I’m less likely to get distracted doing a little bit on multiple things that are important and that I want to accomplish.
It’s a bit more organized, which helps so that when I’m writing a post and I get caught up thinking I need to do research on this big project I have, I know that I’ve already planned out time to get to that project and can pull myself back to the task at hand. I’m also experimenting with bullet journaling because it combines organization (which I’m trying to get better at) with creative expression (which I love). Seems like a win-win.
Notes on Using Your Phone: Some people like me prefer a physical planner. There’s something about writing it down that helps me remember and it feels more natural to me than using my phone. For other people, using a phone is a better option. If it feels more natural to keep it on your phone or you tend to lose physical planners or need to set reminders for the events on your planner, your phone may be your best option.
Invite people over so it pushes you to clean your house
I’ve been unintentionally doing this for years. I have a hard time keeping my house clean. Partially because I hate cleaning. It’s boring, I’m impatient, and there are literally a million things I’d rather be doing. Also because cleaning involves a lot of things I’m not good at like organization, not getting distracted from one task to another, and I also really hate strong smells or getting damp or wet. Can you tell that I hate cleaning?
The mad dash to get the house presentable is the one thing that focuses me enough to get the job done and ignore all the things I hate about cleaning. The time crunch is a pretty solid motivator for me. If your house is a mess, consider inviting a friend for dinner next weekend. In my experience, before she walks in the door, the house will be in pretty good shape.
And there you have it, the beginners guide to managing your ADHD.
What do YOU do to manage your symptoms?
Title photos – both for Facebook and Pinterest – created on Canva.com
About the author: Tia found out she had ADHD at the ripe old age of 28 and went on a quest to figure out what that meant for her. What she discovered was life-changing and Little Miss Lionheart was born. Her blog’s goal is to serve as every woman’s guide to ADHD and help you turn the challenges of ADHD into an advantage.
Sorry to take so long to get back to you. It has something to do with avoiding New Years’ Resolutions because I fail at those every year, trying to decide about continuing the newsletter at all and attempting to write a few articles myself. I’m not too proud to admit that it was all a bit too much for me to handle. Feeling a number of negative emotions while trying to write about how to deal with emotional sensitivity made me feel like I’ve just been masquerading as someone with anything useful to say at all. After a number of false starts, I’m calling Enough! Therefore, you’ll get one very late newsletter now and the second about the first week of February.
My first article is Self-Regulation: Controlling your emotions with ADHD. It proposes that emotions are a major factor of ADHD that affects all aspects of life for those with ADHD. Unfortunately, Emotional dysregulation is often interpreted as a lack of self-control. Self-Regulation, however, is a non-judgmental and positive way to express the necessary steps to learning to control your emotions with ADHD.” The article includes a number of strategies from experts used to get control of your ADHD. You CAN take your life where you want rather than being swept along by unchecked feelings.
Also this month, please welcome Louise Bown, ADHD coach, advocate, and author as a new writer for us. Rollercoasters & Egg Shells: ADHD Parent and Child Relationships is a heartfelt portrait of the many ways that oversensitive emotions, the opinion of others & the need for constant reassurance affects both parent and child. Being diagnosed and accepting this “rollercoaster of emotions” as an important aspect of ADHD helps build personal coping strategies. Those very skills also help avoid “walking on eggshells” with their own children.
Video
How ADHD Causes Emotional Dysregulation – ADHD amplifies emotions due to poor connections between the amygdala, prefrontal cortex, and a delayed reward system. The prefrontal cortex would normally allow you to take a deep breath and process strong emotions before responding.
Recommended for your attention:
See Thomas Brown’s NEW Understandings of ADHD: The role of emotion for an in-depth explanation of this topic. These slides from the Burnet Seminar offer some Key Takeaways. Most of them are in a less technical language that these examples. Chemistry of motivation is modulated by complex processes resulting from amygdalar integration of idiosyncratic emotion-laden memories embedded in perceptions and various cognitive networks. Also, Working memory & focusing impairments characteristic of ADHD may impair motivation by causing emotional flooding or constricted focus.
I’m glad to finally put this newsletter away. I have technical work ahead but tomorrow is another day. I’ve got the time, interest, and I’ve moved on from a place where doing nothing feels safer than getting something done. That’s always worth celebrating!
Emotional dysregulation, while often thought as a lack of self-control, is now recognized as a core symptom of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Self-Regulation is a non-shaming way to express the necessary steps to learning to control your emotions with ADHD. For more than 10 years, the model of Executive Functions, or rather of delayed development of Executive Functions better explains the impact of ADHD than do the symptoms of a variable of attention, impulsivity, and hyperactivity.
Executive functions affect the ability to control one’s actions and reactions toward a future goal. They include problems with concentration, memory, staying on task, organization, planning, prioritizing, waiting your turn, restlessness, and more. Drs. Russell Barkley and Thomas Brown now propose that emotional regulation is one of the basic Executive Functions affected by ADHD. Research indicates emotional regulation difficulties have the greatest impact on an individual with ADHD’s well-being and self-esteem (far more than the core symptoms of hyperactivity and inattention). (Source) For this reason, researchers are pushing for emotional dysregulation to be included in the description of ADHD in the next DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.)
Thomas E. Brown, Ph.D., author of Smart But Stuck: Emotions in Teens and Adults with ADHD explains emotional dysregulation as a function of working memory impairments and poor connectivity between areas of the brain that modify emotions. Being unable to recall past experiences, momentary emotions can become overpowering. Some people turn that upset against themselves while others express their feelings outwardly and react angrily, sometimes even violently. Source)
Dr. Brown notes that an individual with ADHD may:
be quick to get frustrated by minor annoyances
worry too much or too long about even small things
have trouble calming down when annoyed or angry
feel wounded or take offense at even gentle criticism
feel excessive urgency to get something they want immediately
Unfiltered emotions can have a positive or negative effect. In How ADHD Triggers Intense Emotions, Dr. Brown continues, “Emotions motivate action — action to engage or action to avoid.” Dr. William Dodson calls this the “Interest Driven Nervous System” and suggests that the ADHD brain is largely activated by “interest, challenge, novelty, urgency, or passion.” It is these properties rather than the traditional motivators of importance, long-term reward and “shoulds” that propel forward action. Happily, the feeling of being under stress can also be expressed as excitement. This can propel rather than deter action. With self-awareness, and through practicing new coping skills, you change your perception. Fear and shame, looming deadlines, and desperation do NOT have to be the only tools at your disposal. (Sources: One and Two)
Your emotions affect everything you do. Negative emotions can delay necessary action indefinitely. As coach Lou Brown explains, “Individuals rely on emotional self-regulatory skills to enhance or subdue an emotional response and thereby protect goal attainment (as well as social relationships, health, and wellbeing).” (Source)
One may also get carried away with positive feelings, develop unwise crushes on people or get fixated on projects that divert them from normal activities. Both positive and negative emotions, when taken to the extreme, can be overwhelming and damaging. Although this article focuses on negative feelings, the excitement that propels an inordinate focus, what some call their “Super Powers,” is also difficult to break away from. This often causes a life imbalance between work, daily chores, play, and relationships. If you miss sleep, fail to eat, cannot pay your bills, or keep your home life and finances in order, you may be in over your head. You can get help to attend to these boring tasks and regain a healthy balance, but first, you have to overcome self-criticism that says you are a failure if you cannot do it all yourself.
Author of the book Understand Your Brain, Get More Done, Ari Tuckman, Psy.D., MBA, explains some of the consequences of these out of control thoughts and poorly thought out actions.
“Runaway emotions cause more than drama. They undermine relationships, sap motivation, and lead to regretful actions… “What might take an hour for others to calm down from, could take someone with ADHD the whole day.”
Answers to Emotion Commotion
I’ve found some favorite articles and provide a synopsis of some great tips for controlling your emotions below. For greater detail, I recommend that you read the articles in their entirety.I’ve used many of these ideas over the years with some success. (I’m not done working on controlling my emotions as yet. Nor do I ever expect to be. I often have to change approaches when they just plain stop working for me or my circumstances change.)
ADHD and 8 Strategies you can use to Control your Emotionsby ADHD Coach Marla Cummins focuses on developing an awareness of how ADHD impacts YOUR life and maintaining basic self-care. Answers to ADHD, like your symptoms, are uniquely individual. Take the time and try many approaches to find the right ones for you.
Practice good self-care – (lIKE REMEMBERING TO EAT AND SLEEP!) Self-care is a basic tenet for controlling all aspects of ADHD.
Be aware of cues that indicate your emotions are ramping up
Pause – Give yourself time to think before your emotions build up.
Question your thoughts – They may be distorted or automatic negative thoughts.
Treat other conditions that also affect (Depression or anxiety for instance)
Think ahead – What triggers you or make you feel uncomfortable? What might you do instead?
Remember this too shall pass – Give yourself the time you need to allow the feelings to settle down.
Own it – You will goof up. Explain. Apologize, Try to make it right. And try to move on…
A different plan of attack is offered by other ADHD experts interviewed by Margarita Tartakovsky in Coping with Heightened Emotions.
Avoid criticizing yourself.
Know yourself.
Be clear about interruptions.
Set boundaries
Exercise
Feel your feelings
Practice self-soothing techniques.
See your doctor about medication changes. (or explore the possibility of other conditions that may be contributing factors.)
Don’t take things personally that have little to do with you.
Separate feeling from acting.
Educate others about your emotional patterns.
Just knowing that your emotions are extra sensitive and can cause inordinate problems in someone with ADHD is the first step. For me, fear, doubt, self-criticism, shame, and sometimes anger at other people or projects that also demand your attention can be paralyzing. Letting go, moving on, and even getting anything done seems impossible. Despite years of practice, my emotions still get in the way sometimes. I’m tired of being “Smart but Stuck.” Today I am more aware of what’s happening, treat myself with kindness, define the problems and try strategies that bring peace and forward movement. Every day is a chance to move forward. Hope you find some help here for yourself as well.
By Joan Jager: Editor and sometimes author of ADD freeSources.net. Also the Curator for associated Pinterest and Facebook pages.
Editor’s note: For a more technical explanation of how emotions relate to ADHD, see Thomas Brown’s NEW Understandings of ADHD: The role of emotion. These slides from the Burnet Seminar offer some Key Takeaways. These examples give way to more accessible language for most of the presentation. “Chemistry of motivation is modulated by complex processes resulting from amygdalar integration of idiosyncratic emotion-laden memories embedded in perceptions and various cognitive networks. “Also, Working memory & focusing impairments characteristic of ADHD may impair motivation by causing emotional flooding or constricted focus.
Please see Rollercoasters and Eggshells by Lou Brown for a very personal viewpoint on emotional dysregulation and its impact on her life and her relationship with her family.
Photo by Simon Zhu on Unsplash – Person with incense – Modified on Canva.com
By Louise Brown of Thriving with ADHD about Emotional Dysregulation and Rejection Sensitivity
As a young child, I remember believing life was a wonderful adventure. To make the most of it I was always on the move: exploring, dancing, singing, or climbing. I talked a million miles an hour and asked a trillion questions. And I loved the thrill of new experiences, constantly sought stimulation and always wanted more and more.
I also remember being so completely lost in my imagination or absorbed in my latest interest, that I didn’t notice how my endless energy, over-enthusiasm, and constant chatter was affecting others. Nor did I notice when I said something inappropriate or breached someone’s personal space or privacy. Instead, my thoughts happily raced ahead of me in blissful abandonment.
I was carefree, preoccupied in a world of my own oblivious to any damage I caused or signs of possible danger.
On the flip side, I remember struggling with the frustration I felt when asked to wait or to delay gratification, and that being bored felt like ‘hell on earth.’ – A mind-numbing excruciating pain, accompanied by restless agitation.
But even worse was the debilitating pain I experienced when I was in trouble or on the receiving end of rejection, criticism or anger. This pain was crippling. It would surge through my body and flood my senses. And with it my chest would tighten, I’d get a lump in my throat and tears would well in my eyes.
I always tried so damn hard to prevent this pain but, due to my self-regulation challenges, couldn’t seem to avoid it.
As I grew older my emotional challenges intensified. I began to experience what mum called ‘high highs and low lows,’ there was no in between. And due to my extreme sensitivity, could shift between the two in the blink of an eye.
I imagine living with me must have felt like being on a rollercoaster. My family was involuntarily dragged along for the turbulent ride by my emotions. Hanging on for dear life, I experienced my ups and downs with unnerving uncertainty.
How Mum coped through my teenage years I’ll never know. Needing constant stimulation I became rebellious and argumentative – anything to escape the mundane. Yet I remained ever so fragile, in need of love and understanding, and never-ending reassurance: Ruled by my emotions and the opinion of others. – A confusing, misunderstood mix of teenage angst, on steroids.
Even when my Dad stopped coming home until I was asleep, my Mum stayed by my side, persistently trying every strategy she could think of to help me – in the hope that I would change or possibly grow out of it.
But I didn’t. And never will.
For although maturity has greatly decreased their intensity, my emotional dysregulation challenges and rejection sensitivity, along with my inhibition challenges, are here to stay. They are part of who I am: A manifestation of my genetic make-up – An expression of my ADHD traits. – And something I’ve had to accept and learn to live with.
Coming to peace with this realization, however, took time and was only possible once I found out I had ADHD. As before my diagnosis at 47, like an unfinished jigsaw, I was missing part of my puzzle, which made it impossible to really understand and accept myself. However, with all the pieces in place, this changed. For I finally had the self-awareness I required to develop the strategies I needed to maintain a sense of control.
So now it’s my son’s turn. As without his ADHD medication, my Mini Me displays the same traits I did as a child. He’s highly sensitive, emotionally reactive and prone to frustration. At lightning speed, he can flick between being blissfully happy or hurting with frustration, and his big emotions frequently overwhelm him.
As his Mum, it’s heart-breaking to watch and difficult to manage. As although his medication stabilizes the rollercoaster during the day, in the evening I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I have to tread ever so gently, hoping he won’t break.
But that’s okay. My job is to keep him safe whilst he is young. And to do all that I can to help reduce the impact of his ADHD symptoms, thus ensuring he has a bright future. And he will, for I’ve already begun fostering in him the self-awareness and self-understanding, along with the skills and strategies, he will need to one day manage his emotional challenges independently, so he can thrive and enjoy all life has to offer.
Tips For Adults
If you’d like to work on better managing your emotional regulation challenges and rejection sensitivity, here are some tips that may help:
Knowledge is power: to help you develop a deep understanding of your emotional dysregulation challenges read this: Emotional Dysregulation
Forewarned is forearmed: the most effective way of managing the emotional challenges associated with ADHD is to pre-empt them in the first place as this enables you to put in place strategies to:
Mitigate or avoid your triggers altogether.
Reduce your triggers sensitivity. For example, medication (stimulants plus or minus antidepressants), sleep, diet, exercise, meditation, all reduce trigger sensitivity. As can planning what you could say to yourself prior to entering a potentially challenging situation so you’re better able to use speech to self (your verbal working memory) to self-soothe and maintain control.
Help you rein in your emotions if you find yourself triggered and experience emotional flooding. For example, planning and practicing ahead of time strategies such as deep breathing, meditation, mantras, and speech to self.
Bring your loved ones on board: explaining to your family why you struggle with your emotions, what makes it harder to cope and how they can communicate with you to reduce your challenges, can also greatly reduce emotional regulation challenges.
Tips for Parents
If you’re looking to foster self-regulation skills in your child with ADHD, the tips in these posts found on Thrive with ADHD may be of assistance to you:
This is the time when most of us reconnect with family and friends and make new goals for the coming year. The problem is that the reality may not live up to our expectations. We may take on too much to prepare, disrupt our own or family routines and forget that self-care comes first. And for the New Year, you may strive hopelessly to meet your goals and abandon them after your first failure.
My best advice is to take care of yourself first, cut your goals in half or more and stop striving for perfection. Aim for peace and progress instead. Don’t give up after your first failure, try again another day without judging yourself. And if you have ADHD or any other physical or mental challenge, it all starts with self-care
I visited my Doctor again this month and found a new poster about living a healthy life. Diet, exercise, and other traditional self-care started the list, but his final advice is to “Love yourself. Only when you love yourself are you able to love others and be worthy of love in return.”
We have three guest post articles this month. Both authors address universal themes and share their work without copyright.
From Leo Babauta, we have Unconditional Acceptance of Yourself which proposes that self-acceptance is a vital aspect of loving yourself. “What if we took a good look at ourselves, our body, our thoughts, our feelings, our actions, and said, “You are perfectly OK. You are perfectly good”? “Acceptance isn’t stagnation — you will change no matter what. You can’t avoid changing. The question is whether that change comes from a place of acceptance and love, or a place of self-dislike and dissatisfaction. I vote for unconditional love.”
Don’t confuse basic self-care with pedicures, bubble baths and time out with your friends or a for settling down with a good book or movie. When just getting out of bed in the morning is difficult, it’s time to admit that “Everything is Awful and I am NOT Okay.” You may have seen this article before, but these “Questions to Ask Before Giving Up” are worth repeating. We should all personalize our own set of questions for getting through the day. Let’s keep our physical and mental health intact and prepared to make it through another day, maybe this time without undue stress.
And don’t assume that having ADHD is a benign nuisance. Depending on the severity of symptoms and the number and type of additional mental disorders, ADHD can be debilitating, even deadly. One of my online coaching groups just lost a member to suicide. Other less shocking behavior also contributes to how well we live and even die.
At the ADHD Conference last month, Russell Barkley, Ph.D. presented research, ADHD and Life Expectancy, that shows that ADHD can even contribute to a lower lifespan – from 8 to 13 years fewer years. ADDitude Mag reports: “Using an actuarial database calculator from the University of Connecticut (UConn), they determined exactly how each risk factor may translate into years of lost longevity. Impaired behavioral inhibition was the primary factor, but several risk factors can be altered, including:
education
hygiene practices
weight
nutrition
exercise
sleep
driving risks
tobacco use
alcohol use
Many of these involve self-care and all too many are problems consistently higher in people with ADHD. It took me years to quit smoking and drinking and to get sleep, and exercise under control. I still struggle with my weight but I’m working on it. Altogether, I am in a much better place than I was before I found out about having ADHD and beginning treatment. With treatment, you too may see positive and life-saving changes occur in your life.
I also found another article from Leo that pertains to my own home situation “Living in Peace with a Packrat.” He answers the question, “I live in a big house with tons of things, mostly my husband’s….Damn shame I adore him so. Any suggestions for finding peace with a pack-rat?”
Once again finding support has proved invaluable in my journey towards wellness. I found a Hoarder’s support group in Tacoma which has helped me stop being permanently angry at my husband for the mess of “stuff” he can neither process nor let go of. With “collectors,” it’s all about understanding what you’re dealing with and setting boundaries that protect your own space.
Another good article for living withsomeone that has “too much stuff” is Space for Everyone Else from Homes are for Living.com. They remind us that, “The person that hoards cannot see the problem. The denial and “clutter blindness” is a HUGE part of THE PROBLEM.”
“Their lack of boundaries causes them to take over the ENTIRE HOUSE. Our lack of boundaries lets them take over the whole place. We desire to keep the peace, so we let them take over.”
If YOU are the one with too much stuff, see my Pinterest board Letting go of Clutter. “Clutter builds up for a number of reasons. Failing to get rid of things that are no longer used or in poor condition is a major one. Yet de-cluttering can be fraught with difficulty. The greater the financial investment and emotional connection to the object, the harder it is to let go.”
Our video this month is This is How you Treat ADHD based on Science also from Russell Barkley provides specific strategies for time and organization management that work. These include creating external scaffolding to support Executive Functions as well as a few behavior modification techniques. Enjoy this 13-minute video as well as some transcribed sections of what Barkley covers.
For a bonus this month, you can print out Leonie Dawson’s 12 Key Zen Habits poster on basic tenets for living a simpler life for work or at home according to Leo Babauta. She includes a Desktop wallpaper version as well. Rainbow zen-ness both online and offline. This is a smaller version of the poster.
Note: I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve seen this article before, but it’s worth repeating. I know that I still fall into the trap of not taking care of the basics, then wonder why things are falling apart. It’s good to have a reminder that some answers are within our power NOW and that they can help solve more difficult problems as well.
Are you hydrated? If not, have a glass of water.
Have you eaten in the past three hours? If not, get some food — something with protein, not just simple carbs. Perhaps some nuts or hummus?
Have you showered in the past week? If not, take a shower right now.
If daytime: are you dressed? If not, put on clean clothes that aren’t pajamas. Give yourself permission to wear something special, whether it’s a funny t-shirt or a pretty dress.
If nighttime: are you sleepy and fatigued but resisting going to sleep? Put on pajamas, make yourself cozy in bed with a teddy bear and the sound of falling rain, and close your eyes for fifteen minutes — no electronic screens allowed. If you’re still awake after that, you can get up again; no pressure.
Have you stretched your legs in the past day? If not, do so right now. If you don’t have the spoons for a run or trip to the gym, just walk around the block, then keep walking as long as you please. If the weather’s crap, drive to a big box store (e.g. Target) and go on a brisk walk through the aisles you normally skip.
Have you said something nice to someone in the past day? Do so, whether online or in person. Make it genuine; wait until you see something really wonderful about someone, and tell them about it.
Have you moved your body to music in the past day? If not, do so — jog for the length of an EDM song at your favorite BPM, or just dance around the room for the length of an upbeat song.
Have you cuddled a living being in the past two days? If not, do so. Don’t be afraid to ask for hugs from friends or friends’ pets. Most of them will enjoy the cuddles too; you’re not imposing on them.
Do you feel ineffective? Pause right now and get something small completed, whether it’s responding to an e-mail, loading up the dishwasher, or packing your gym bag for your next trip. Good job!
Do you feel unattractive? Take a goddamn selfie. Your friends will remind you how great you look, and you’ll fight society’s restrictions on what beauty can look like.
Do you feel paralyzed by indecision? Give yourself ten minutes to sit back and figure out a game plan for the day. If a particular decision or problem is still being a roadblock, simply set it aside for now, and pick something else that seems doable. Right now, the important part is to break through that stasis, even if it means doing something trivial.
Have you seen a therapist in the past few days? If not, hang on until your next therapy visit and talk through things then.
Have you been over-exerting yourself lately — physically, emotionally, socially, or intellectually? That can take a toll that lingers for days. Give yourself a break in that area, whether it’s physical rest, taking time alone, or relaxing with some silly entertainment.
Have you changed any of your medications in the past couple of weeks, including skipped doses or a change in a generic prescription brand? That may be screwing with your head. Give things a few days, then talk to your doctor if it doesn’t settle down.
Have you waited a week? Sometimes our perception of life is skewed, and we can’t even tell that we’re not thinking clearly, and there’s no obvious external cause. It happens. Keep yourself going for a full week, whatever it takes, and see if you still feel the same way then.
You’ve made it this far, and you will make it through. You are stronger than you think.
Many people who try to simplify their lives and declutter their living spaces find that the most difficult obstacle in their quest for simplicity isn’t the clutter itself … but a significant other or roommate who isn’t on board the simplicity train.
Living with a packrat can be downright frustrating for many simplifiers.
Recently, reader Jasi asked:
“I live in a big house with tons of things, mostly my husband’s. He’s not on board with my lifelong minimalism and quest for a simple lifestyle. Damn shame I adore him so. Any suggestions for finding peace with a pack-rat?”
This is actually an issue that many people making positive life changes will face: they want to make changes, but others in their life don’t want to make the changes. If you have a spouse who likes to spend a lot but you’re trying to be frugal, or a spouse who eats fatty, sugary foods when you’re trying to eat healthily, it can be very difficult.
But there are ways to live in peace, instead of constant war, with a packrat. Let’s look at several strategies — and you should find the strategy that applies best to you.
Strategy 1: Win them over. This is the strategy I’ve used with success with my wife, Eva, and it’s the ideal strategy, of course. I didn’t force Eva to join me in any of my changes, but partly because of inspiration from me, and partly because she’s a strong-willed person herself, in the past year or so she has joined me (or worked on her own) to eat healthier, exercise (for the first time in her life!), reduce clutter (it’s a blast!), become organized, and achieve her goals. I am extremely proud of her.
The strategy is to inspire your significant other to join you in your positive life change. You cannot change someone, or force them to change. You can’t nag or bully. However, here’s what you can do:
Inspire. Show them what a great thing this change is for you, how it has helped you and made you happier. Show them how much of a burden is lifted when you get rid of clutter, how simplicity is so much more calming and pleasing. Show them how excited you are about this.
Inform. Talk to them about what you’re going through, why you’re doing it, what it requires, how it makes you feel. Offer to give them some reading material, ask if they’re interested. If not, don’t force it on them. Just encourage. I have sent Eva links from time to time that she might be interested in, and she actually reads some of them. 🙂
Ask for help. Making a positive life change is always easier and more likely to be successful if you have support from a loved one. Be direct and ask your significant other (or roommate if that’s the case) for their help. Many times, people will give you help if you ask for it. Don’t make it seem like you’re trying to change them, but that you just want their help in making your change.
Make it a team effort. If they are open to the change, and want to read more about it, ask them if they’d like to join you. Sometimes, they will! Suggest that instead of you making this change alone, the two of you do it together, as a team. It can be great fun! Eva and I love decluttering together.
Be patient. Just because you’re excited about making a change, doesn’t mean your partner will be. You have to expect that — people move at their own pace. Just be encouraging, and months down the road, you never know — your partner might start to come around. Until then, don’t be negative at all if you can help it — negativity works against you.
Strategy 2: Zone defense. If the first (and ideal) strategy doesn’t work, or at least hasn’t worked yet, and your partner or roommate refuses to join you in decluttering, work out a compromise.
A compromise is not ideal — compromises never are. But it can keep both of you sane, so you might give it a try: split up the house into zones. For example, the living room and kitchen might be yours while the home office and bedroom are theirs, or you might even have zones within a room. Again, not ideal, but it’s workable, and I’ve heard of people doing this with success.
Within your zone, you are free to do with it what you want. Declutter, or hoard, it’s up to you. Decorate it how you want. Keep it as clean or as dirty as you want. But no one is allowed to violate the other’s zone, and if you make a mess in the other person’s zone, you must agree to clean it up right away.
This can be a permanent or a temporary solution.
Strategy 3: Find Zen in the center of chaos. This is much more difficult than the first two strategies, but I’ve also known people who have learned to use it: just learn to live with their packrat ways. Accept that you cannot change them, but that you love them, and just accept their clutter and mess.
It’s difficult, I know. It takes a lot of meditation, a lot of soul-searching, a lot of deep breathing. It may take months or years to learn this, but consider that if you don’t, you may lose your sanity. Accept what you cannot change, and change that which you can.
One way to live with this strategy is to ask your packrat loved one if you can declutter certain things, and keep their clutter hidden in cabinets. Then, you just need to worry about them leaving things around the house — if you don’t like it, you’ll need to clean up after them. If you can live with it, then don’t clean up.
If you choose this strategy, I suggest 1) doing some daily meditation or exercise to find your center of peace; and 2) having at least one corner of the house that is your own, that you can spend time in, reading or meditating or working, without clutter. Your little zone of peace.
Strategy 4: Ditch ’em. This, of course, is the most drastic of the strategies and is strictly a course of last resort. There are times when two people grow apart, and their lifestyles and views on life and hopes and dreams are no longer compatible. In these cases, it could be beneficial to both parties if they go separate ways, especially if staying together causes more harm than it does good.
Now, I’m not recommending that you get a divorce. I would never recommend that — although I have heard of people who have done this because they can no longer live together (due to clutter and other issues). I think this strategy is usually more appropriate for roommates, as they don’t have the issues of a relationship and legal and financial ties to separate. But if things have gotten so bad that you are no longer happy in your relationship, you should consider all options.
Article originally posted as How to Find Peace Living With a Packrat: Wednesday, July 18, 2007
About the author: Leo Babauta of Zen Habits has over 2 million readers. He generously shares his work ad-free and without copyright. – Please support his work through purchasing his Habit Mastery eBooks, courses, or programs. https://zenhabits.net/books/
Guest post by Michele Cook
