A Sense of Time is a developmental skill. Children, especially those with ADHD, do not have the same mastery of time that adults do. They may have difficulty judging and anticipating the true amount of time it takes to accomplish tasks – big or small. Also, many children, again especially those with ADHD, have difficulty transitioning from one activity to the next. They may become so attached to their current activity that they feel unable to pull themselves away.
Here are some basic tips that might be helpful:
Do some time estimation exercises.
For one week, see how accurate you and your children are at predicting how long a given activity actually takes. Use a clock or timer to see time move as you complete a task. Try playing beat the clock just to raise their interest in looking at time as a factor in what they do. You can use the Task Time Estimation – Estimated Vs. Actual handout. Estimate the time REALLY needed for getting ready in the morning, eating a meal, doing laundry, reading 15 pages, completing a math sheet, etc. For younger children ask them to predict how long getting dressed or cleaning their room might take and then see how long it actually takes.
Another way to look at Time is to see how much of it is already committed vs. having time for unplanned or unscheduled events. Simply write down how much time is needed for all the things you MUST do each day (eat, sleep, get dressed, homework, etc.) and add it up. Then subtract that time from 24 hours and you will see what time is available for everything else.
Plan to allow for extra time so there is no need to rush.
It is less stressful, especially for some children, to arrive a few minutes early and allow time for adjustment to the new setting (even if a familiar one) then to arrive barely on time or a few minutes late.
5. Give advance notice about what you will be doing next and when it will be happening.
“We’ll be eating dinner in 15 minutes, so begin cleaning up.”
“We’ll be leaving for school in 5 minutes, check to make sure you have done your morning tasks.”
Remember to use a timer so You are not the nag!!
Especially for younger children or those who have an especially difficult time with transitions, try this: Join in their activity for the final few minutes so you can help them transition. Rather than insisting on an abrupt departure, spend even one or two minutes down at your child’s level and help them make the transition.
“Dani, I see you really like playing with Paige, how about we make plans for next week to do this again.”
“Jordan, I see you are getting even higher on that game. Tomorrow will you show me how you got to that part?”
Transitioning won’t always be smooth, but you are teaching a skill and helping stay calm.
6. Take an extra moment and breathe. Sometimes, when children have trouble disengaging from an activity, we have a tendency to get frustrated and perhaps panic about the pending struggle and about being late to the next appointment. Panic and Pressure won’t budge your child. It might even prolong the process.
Effective time management skills are essential to all adults and children. From scheduling and managing after school activities, to homework, to chores… oh, and your life, too!! Day-to-day demands can become overwhelming and create an atmosphere of constant stress. Who doesn’t want a calmer more efficient morning, a less hectic afternoon, and a more peaceful bedtime? By managing your own time wisely and modeling that for your children, you and your family can experience a more orderly, less stressful day. By becoming proactive in how you approach time you can make a noticeable and systemic difference in the in your life and the lives of your family members.
Many of you already know the “How To’s” of Time Management, yet you still struggle today. The heart of the issue for many goes beyond practical advice. Once we run through some of the valuable systems for keeping track of our lives we can focus on the deeper issue of how we choose to spend our time.
Part 1 – Valuable Systems are the Keys to Good Time Management
In each aspect of Time Management discussed here, I encourage you to have a dual focus. One is on the content – the brass tacks of what needs to be done. The second is on the process. This has to do with HOW you choose to implement what needs to be done. The small picture vs. the big picture. Keep in mind that your goal in parenting is to develop children who are independent, confident and resilient. I encourage you to involve your child in the process of what you are doing as much as possible so that they may also begin to emulate the process you go through to decide how to manage time.
Your Calendar
Experiment! There are new types of calendars created all the time. Check out iCal on the Mac. Google also makes a calendar that you can share (google.com/calendar)
Use different colors for different people.
Be sure there is ample room to write appointments
Block out realistic time frames directly on your calendar. Consider how long to get the children ready, driving time, waiting time, etc.
Perhaps circle total time needed for an event.
Consider writing yourself a note on a date sometime before any event that you need prep time for. This will to give you a heads up that the date is approaching. If you use a PDA or computer calendar you might set an alarm for some time in advance.
Their Calendar
Here is where we begin our modeling for our children.
For Young Children
The purpose here is to help children understand the structure of a week and a month. Let them see how time flows and certain events repeat. Empower them to look forward to plans independently. You can have one calendar for each child, or one for the family to share.
You can make a calendar together with stickers, colors, etc. Dry erase boards with permanent marker for the days of the week work great.
Use different color markers for each child.
Stickers and/or different color markers give a visual view of their activities and family events.
For Older Children and Teens
Once a child is actively using an agenda book in school it’s a great tool to help them see school as part of their lives. Help them develop the skill of having a central area for their planning. This will give them a greater sense of control and independence as they grow.
Help them incorporate their weekly activities, doctors’ appointments, social plans, etc. right in their agenda book.
Remind them that they must consult with you before putting any plans in their agenda book to make sure there are no conflicts with you and so you can put the plans in your calendar as well.
Teens might enjoy using their computer or phone for their calendar. Encourage them to experiment in developing their own style of organizing and managing their time.
Get organized the night before
Review calendar for the next day to anticipate needs, activities
Look at the weather report and pick out clothes
Pack up backpack
Have cell phone by charger
Write any notes of last minute things for the morning (lunch from the fridge, etc.)
Straighten up room
4. Timers
We can all get lost in our work or play. Having an external reminder that it is time to transition can make it easier to relax and be fully engaged in the current task at hand. Timers are also a great device to help children concretize the passage of time.
Set the alarm on your computer to remind you of appointments.
Kitchen timers are great for helping children transition. Set the timer for the time remaining before dinner or homework time. Let the timer be the reminder – not you. Let them learn to set it as their own reminder when they take breaks for homework.
Purchase a watch with a built-in alarm.
Use your cell phone alarm. It can be set to any ringtone.
5. Staging Area
Here is a helpful tip I learned long ago. Never leave a room to put something elsewhere until you are sure that’s the only thing that needs to leave the room.
Have a spot in each bedroom and one or more in your kitchen for transitions. This is where you will place anything that needs to leave the room next time you exit.
Have your children pick a spot in their room to place their backpacks, school projects, items they need for afterschool activities, etc. Help them develop the habit of placing these items here at night before they go to bed. Having everything in one spot when it’s time to leave will make the morning less hectic for all.
6. To Do lists and reminder notes
For some, the To Do list can be an out of control random scattering of papers. For others it takes on a life of its own as reorganizing and rewriting it becomes a To Do item as well. Still others just avoid To Do lists altogether. Here are some ideas that might help you better manage the process of keeping things in order.
If you are someone who uses a computer regularly, consider using it to manage your To Do list. iCal on the Mac has spot for To Do’s with the ability to set alarms or emails as reminders for specific times. It also allows you to sort based on date or priority.
If not… Try to keep one main pad where you are the most – for many that is the kitchen. Have that pad look different than other pads in the house and save it only for YOUR To Do list.
Consider having a date or date range attached to any item that is not immediate. This will prevent it from blending in to an endless list of things to do.
If your list becomes overwhelming, consider a breakaway list of things to focus on JUST THIS WEEK. Then each week you can pull from your master list and not have all those other items starring you in the face.
Choose a regular time to review your list if it becomes lengthy. For many, nighttime is when the activity has settled and the mind is clear. This is often the perfect time to evaluate and perhaps rewrite your To Do list.
Keep a notepad by your bed to jot down things you need or hope to get done. This is NOT the To Do list – transfer these to your main list the next day. Give your children a special pad for their nightstand and teach them to jot down plans they hope to make or things the need to remember for school.
Place reminder notes in the SAME spot you have designated as your transition area for when you leave a room.
Remember, if you can develop the habit of having a few consistent spots you always look at you are less likely to forget important things. A little later in this article I will focus more on the deeper meaning of To Do lists…
Pattern Planning
The more activities you do that are predictable, the easier it is to remember and make sure they are done. Like traditions and rituals, routines have a way of calming and comforting, as they are a regular part of our lives.
Choose the same day each week for errands: groceries on Monday, dry cleaners on Wednesday, etc.
Request the same appointment day and time when setting up routine visits such as dental, medication check-ins, counseling, coaching.
For annual and bi-annual events such as physicals, changing Air Conditioner filters, changing smoke detector batteries, choose a month that generally works for you and write a To Do a few weeks prior in your Calendar for scheduling.
Set up a pattern for household chores for everyone. Alternate children’s chores based on the month they are born or something similar. Ex. The child born on odd number month takes out the trash and gets the front seat on odd months; the other child sets the table and feeds the dog.
Keep your grocery-shopping list in the same place all the time and encourage family members to write their requests on the list themselves.
8. Email
For some people, especially those who spend a great deal of time on the computer, tending to emails can be both time consuming and distracting.
Turn off that “ping”. I learned this one from the late Randy Pausch. That “Ding” every time you receive a new email has the power to pull you away from other work you might be engaged in. By turning off the sound, you regain your control over when you choose to check your emails.
Remove yourself from emails as often as possible. At the bottom of marketing emails, there is usually an “unsubscribe” link. The moments it will take you to do this are nothing compared to the time you will spend deleting their emails each and every time – not to mention the one’s for the companies they sell your email address to.
Implementation
New ideas are great, but too many of them at once can create chaos and take up much of your time. Try to implement new ideas one at a time. Be sure that the change is a good choice for you and your family. Just because a time management idea works for a friend or neighbor does not mean it will work for you. You may be wasting more time trying to fit yourself into a system that is not right for you!
Remember that each family member has a different learning style and different level of comprehension. What is right for you may not be right for everyone in your family. I love iCal and use it with my daughter. I “invite” her to her doctor appointments, etc. and she “invites” me to let me know about her work schedule. My son, however, hates to have to look at the calendar on the computer. He recognizes that being connected to it too often distracts him.
Learning to manage your time is a process. The more you do it, the easier it becomes. When starting a new plan, praise and encourage your children on all levels of success as they get used to the process. Try to involve your children in the in the decision-making process as much as possible. Solicit their assistance and input as you plan your new strategies.
Parents, Silence your inner critics by Dianne Dempster
Gremlins – we all have them. What are they and why do they make or lives so miserable?
No, I’m not talking about our kids (though I’m sure we all have choice names for them at times.) Gremlins are those voices in our head that tell us, in one way or another, that we aren’t good enough. Some people refer to them as the inner-critic, or negative self-talk. No matter what you call them, they are troublesome at best, and for many people down-right paralyzing!
We tend to take on so much, and play so many roles. It’s hard to be a successful parent, partner, employee, boss, and friend. It’s even harder to play those roles well with a little voice in our heads that notices everything that doesn’t go as planned and tells us that things probably won’t work out anyway.
So where do these voices come from, and how do we get rid of them? (Or, do we?) Our gremlins (yes we typically have more than one!) usually come from some real or perceived threat we experienced in the past. Perhaps you wanted to be accepted to a group as a teen and found you had to behave in a certain way for inclusion. Or maybe you experienced a very embarrassing situation. Your gremlins are “trying to” protect you from future rejection and discomfort. The threat seems so real that the voices tend to over-generalize. They get involved in aspects of our lives where they aren’t needed.
So what can you do to keep gremlins from getting in the way?
1) Notice it:
Pay attention to situations when the voices show up.Is it with particular people? Are you trying something new? Is it when you are being particularly brave? What threat is the voice trying to protect you from? What message is it sending?
2) Name it:
Call it what it is. Say to yourself, “that’s my perfectionist gremlin” or “that’s the voice in my head that doesn’t want me to be embarrassed.” You might even choose to name it. (Mine is named “Roz,” and Elaine’s is named “Prudence.”)
3) Own it:
Acknowledge that sometimes there is real value in having an intuitive voice making sure that you are safe. You might even take a moment to be grateful.
4) Choose:
Figure out if the voice is helping or hurting the current situation. Make a choice as to whether or not to listen. We have all had friends and family give us unsolicited or unwelcome advice that we have chosen to ignore. If the gremlin’s words are NOT helpful, don’t heed them. If you need to shut them up, try telling them, “ Thanks so much for sharing, but I’ve got this one covered!” Note: this may not make them go away, but typically can give us enough room to move forward and begin to regain momentum.
You may want to teach some of this “gremlin-talk” to your kids, too. Gremlins start creeping in at pretty young ages. Your kids are starting to create defenses that are valuable but can get in the way of forward progress and success. Remember these voices are a normal part of being human, and can definitely be helpful avoiding real threats. It’s just a matter of being aware enough to know when to listen, and when to tell them to “mind their own business.”
Have you ever noticed that staying organized — or getting started on a project and seeing it through to completion — are all in a day’s work for some people, but for others, they don’t know where to begin?
Well, that might be due to executive functions and how well they are working — or not working. Executive functions are the cognitive skills that give us the ability to focus, plan, and act in a goal-directed manner — and current research shows that these functions are responsible for how effective we are at managing ourselves. Basically, these functions are the CEOs of our brains.
For the most part, we don’t need to consciously access these skills for day-to-day habits or routines. However, when we face new challenges or stressors that is when the CEO must take charge. And when it is not managing effectively, that’s when we forget things, can’t get organized, can’t get started, lose track of time, and lose our stream of thought. It’s behavior that makes some children look unmotivated, uncaring, and, well, unintelligent — while nothing could be further from the truth. By and large, these children are really suffering from a neurologically based difficulty, which results from incomplete or immature development of their frontal/prefrontal cortex of their brains. It’s not that these kids won’t perform, it’s that they can’t on their own … yet.
So how can we help? There are two distinct approaches. First, modify the environment. Help structure your child’s work- space, modify his work, and provide more prompts. Second, model actions and behaviors and join in with him as he works on his skills. Don’t be concerned that you may enable your child. Before he is ready to be independent, he needs to develop the necessary skills. Once the skills are developed, you will be able to gradually lessen your active involvement with your child. It is important to recognize that weaknesses in executive functions are real and neurologically based. There is no shortage of strategies and devices to help children — and adults — improve their executive functioning. Children need modeling. The skills they need to be organized and manage their time effectively are not difficult, but they are not necessarily intuitive. Providing support and guidance, either directly or with outside support, will go a long way in helping your child be and feel successful. Here are some tips for your child to organize school materials and remember important information:
Day planner
• Think of an agenda book or day planner as your calendar for your whole life, not just school. • Write all of your school assignments, after-school activities, and social plans here. • Use a large paper clip to mark the page you need to be on for quicker entry. Binders and notebooks • Use different colors for each subject binder and notebook. • For each subject, you will have two three-ring binders. One will be the everyday binder, and the second will be the reserve binder, where all of your papers will be moved to after tests. This allows you to straighten out and empty excess papers so you can focus on the current work. (Note: Check with each subject teacher before removing papers from your binder.) • Both binders for each subject should be the same color (blue for math, green for science, etc.) and have the same labeled dividers. • Keep one master reference binder with dividers for each subject. Here, you can keep any material that you might need to use in years to come, such as math formulas, social studies facts or periodic tables. • Perhaps two of your subjects can be combined into one larger binder or notebook for less to carry. • Be sure to label everything! Big bumper stickers work great. Have fun, and be creative!
Master folder Consider a multi-pocket folder to keep with you all day. It can hold the day’s hand- outs, work to be turned in, and your agenda book. This is an excellent tool for the overall organization of papers to go to and from school. It should be cleaned out each week, by transferring the appropriate papers to either binders or the recycle bin.
Locker • Clean out your locker and/or workspace every week, to lessen the chance of losing papers. • Consider small trays to keep extra pens, pencils, tissues, erasers, etc. • Keep a dry-erase board or small notepad for writing reminders. • Try to keep your backpack on the hook, so there is more room to store items. Backpack • Keep an extra pen and pencil inside at all times. • Look in your assignment book and check your locker’s dry-erase board before packing up for the day. • When you get home, empty the entire bag near your workspace and sort the contents for homework and notes for parents. • Pack it up before you go to sleep at night, which will decrease the odds of forgetting things.
Alarms • A kitchen timer is great for keeping you on task and allowing for time-limited breaks. Set it for various intervals to see if you are on task and on track. What works for you? Set a start time or break time on your computer or cellphone alarm for a discreet nudge. Set an alarm for the time you want to go to sleep as a reminder to pack up, brush teeth, etc.
Lists • Keep a dry-erase board or a small pad of paper by your workspace and use it to jot down things on your mind, so they can be done later and not distract you now. Write out your homework plan for the day — what you will do and in what order? It’s a great feeling to cross items off! Use it to plan out long-term projects or for math problems and other quick temporary notes.
Structures A structure is any device that reminds you, visually, of something important. They work because they interrupt your ordinary mind flow and grab your attention. Some of the best structures come from your intuition and may not seem to make sense at first. Be creative — experiment with different ways to jolt your memory! Here are some examples: • Wear a rubber band on your wrist when you want to remember to do something, such as breathe deeply, speak powerfully, sit up straight, or take home your violin. • Put a chair by your door to remind yourself to take along important items tomorrow. • Send yourself an e-mail, text or voice mail to request that a certain task be done. • Have some friends over once a month. This can be a structure for cleaning your room or keeping up relationships with friends. • Devise an intentionally fabricated deadline on the day you start a project — such as scheduling a time to show a friend or family member your completed project. • Schedule study time with one friend a week for two months to get you to study a particular subject. • Counting is helpful to make you aware of your behavior. For instance, count how often you participate in class and work on increasing the number each day. Counting does not require you to do anything other than notice, but noting every time you do something heightens your awareness. • A special slogan on your key chain can be a structure to remember to smile or be positive.
• A toy lion on your desk can remind you to be ferocious in pursuit of a goal. • Put your keys in the refrigerator so you remember your lunch. • Make a sign around your work area: “Don’t give in to the impulse!” • Create a screen saver with one-line, motivational statements. • A coach is one of the best structures. Text or e-mail your coach every day when a certain task is done. • “To do” lists are not meant as nag lists — just a place to hold important things. Be creative where you put your notes; try to have it somewhere in your field of vision on a regular basis: the refrigerator, your desk, next to your bed. Try to develop a consistent habit of where you write and keep important notes.
Please teach me through my sense of touch. I need “hands-on” and body movement.
I NEED TO KNOW WHAT COMES NEXT …
Please give me a structured environment where there is a dependable routine. Give me an advance warning if there will be changes.
WAIT FOR ME, I’M STILL THINKING …
Please allow me to go at my own pace. If I’m rushed, I get confused and upset.
I’M STUCK, I CAN’T DO IT! …
Please offer me options for problem-solving. If the road is blocked, I need to know the detours.
IS IT RIGHT? I NEED TO KNOW NOW …
Please give me rich and immediate feedback on how I’m doing.
I DIDN’T KNOW I WASN’T IN MY SEAT! …
Please remind me to stop, think, and act.
AM I ALMOST DONE? …
Please give me short work periods with short-term goals.
WHAT? …
Please don’t say “I already told you that.” Tell me again, in different words. Give me a signal. Draw me a symbol.
I KNOW IT’S ALL WRONG, ISN’T IT? …
Please give me praise for partial success. Reward me for self-improvement, not just for perfection.
BUT WHY DO I ALWAYS GET YELLED AT? …
Please catch me doing something right and praise me for the specific positive behavior. Remind me—and yourself—about my good points when I’m having a bad day.
I’m not a medical doctor, psychologist, lawyer or another expert. I’m a mom who struggles to help my ADHD/ADD child. In this regard, I’ve spent a considerable amount of time searching for answers. It’s my hope that by sharing this information it will raise public awareness as well as be instrumental in lending a helping hand toward finding “a place to start.” There’s something here for everybody.
Perhaps you’ve just learned your child has ADHD, and you are on an emotional roller coaster ride. Perhaps you’ve scanned this letter and felt an overwhelming sense of fear, frustration, or what next? —Maybe felt, “I can’t do this.” Consider yourself normal. Parenting a special needs child is a challenge, but you can do it.
On the upside, it is easier to deal with a problem if you know what you are dealing with. Now you can begin to sort things out and make a plan.
Listed below are some tips I’ve learned along the way.
Accept that there is a problem, whether or not you accept the diagnosis. Denial will not help you or your child.
Do not expend energy grieving that your child is “labeled.” No, it’s not fair but grieving will not make things better. Take some time to pull yourself together — then get on with parenting your child.
Be prepared to feel guilty about the time you spend parenting your ADHD child compared to the time you spend with other family members. Be prepared for the backlash you may get caught-up in as a result of other family members feeling neglected.
You will have to look deep within yourself to find patience. Patience dealing with your child, patience waiting for appointments, patience waiting for test results, patience when working with the school district, patience, patience, patience.
In general, all children need structure. ADHD children require more structure, routine and consistency.
Behavior management plans do not work overnight—many times it takes two to three months to see results—sometimes longer. Many times the “plan” ends up being a little from this one and a little from that one. Make clear, age and developmentally appropriate rules and consequences for infraction of those rules. Your child must know your expectations.
It is critical that all caregivers in the household be on the same page when it comes to disciplining your child. If one parent perceives his/her spouse to be very lenient and the other has the opposite perspective, it’s time for the parents to compromise. If it requires that you have a family meeting and put rules and consequences on paper — so be it. Behavioral expectations and consequences for violations should be as consistent as possible between caregivers. Remember “structure, consistency.” And yes, this is easier said than done.
In my opinion, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is somewhat of a misnomer. It’s not that ADHD children do not pay attention, it’s that they are bombarded with information. Their filtering system does not work correctly.
It’s not unusual for an ADHD child to do well one day, and not so well the next. If you think your child can perform well in school today because s/he did yesterday, you are mistaken.
ADHD children are very sensitive to their environment. The more noise, color, people, clutter, movement, the higher the difficulty level staying focused. Guard against over-stimulus.
ADHD children generally do not transition well. I’ve found it helpful to give my child “lead time.” For example, rather than saying “8:00 p.m. — bedtime,” it works better if I give some lead time by saying, “bedtime in 15 minutes…bedtime in 10 minutes…bedtime in 5 minutes.”
Many people you meet will think they know a lot about ADHD, but actually they know very little. Some people do not believe there is such a thing as ADHD. It is these people that inadvertently add to our burden. They have no concept of the disorder, choose to have no more than a cursory knowledge of ADHD, yet tend to shout the loudest and have the strongest opinion that “it’s the parenting. I could straighten him out in a week.” It would be so wonderful if that was the case, but it is not. If your efforts to educate them fall on deaf ears, print a copy of this letter and give it to them. If that doesn’t work “maverick mom” has some excellent advice in my opinion: Tell them to blow it out their socks.
It is our job as parents to teach our children to function in this world to the best of their ability. In this respect, do not let the ADHD “label” cripple them. Keep your expectations high and teach them to adapt the best they can. As a parent, it’s difficult to walk the centerline of teaching responsibility while addressing potential limitations.
This day in time everyday living is a challenge. Throw in an ADHD child, the extra time required to parent a special needs child, problems with health insurance, the extra financial strain, perhaps an uncooperative school district, the additional stress within the family unit and you have a formula for a full-blown crisis. Do not forget to take care of you.You can’t adequately care for your child(ren) if you’re mentally and physically falling apart. Do something special for yourself from time to time. Join a support group, call a crisis hotline when necessary, go to see a movie, go shopping, and/or see a counselor.
There is still much that is unknown about ADHD, but treatment has come a long way by comparison to yesteryears. There is reason to believe that ADHD treatment will improve as research advances.
Unfortunately ADHD/ADD rarely travels alone—it appears to be the norm rather than the exception when there are no accompanying disorders such as an auditory processing disorder, learning disorder, bi-polar, non-verbal learning disorder, sensory integration disorder, etc. And just because your child makes good grades in school doesn’t mean the child does not have a co-existing disorder.
Trust your instincts. No one knows your child better than you.
Free rights to republish granted in original post Originally published at http://www.adhd-add.info/ (Now defunct – Harvested 2010)
Image courtesy of Vlado/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net” – Modified on Canva.com
Part 1 –Time Management – It’s a Family Affair!
